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The Nightingale Tale

-- I wrote this as the caption of my Instagram post for celebrating No Shave November. But I decided to repost this in my blog so that you can read it in a more "eye-spoiling" way. Or should I say to make it easier? But anyway, please enjoy. --


Hey, this will be slightly different from my usual No Shave November post I've done so far.

"No-Shave November" has been my yearly routine of showing how I care about men's health in general, especially cancer because of my family's history. My grandpa left us when I was 6 years old due to lymph gland cancer. The question has been haunting me since then, will I end up like him?

Not only the death situation but also the lifestyle, the workload, the life in general. Despite the easygoing behaviour of my grandpa, he's struggling with a lot of things that my 6yo me didn't understand, like financial stability, the education of his children, the well-being of his family (he's been the backbone of his family since 12yo), and how he behaves like the "Man of the House". The combination of several bad financial decisions, the toxic masculinity culture in the traditional Javanese family, and the situation of the years he lived in left him with many regrets that he told me to when he took me to the Sunday morning walk around the area. I am too young to understand, but I know it a little bit better now.

I had my third heart attack this year, October 26th, to be precise. I can feel the breath I took slowly leaving my body. I can feel my body's turning cold in several parts. My lung gave up on me. My chest hurts like hell. Everything gets blurry in an instant. I tried to find a way to keep my body alive before I had enough ability to go to the hospital. In the meantime, while I already accept death as a part of living, I worried about my work. I shouted inside my brain, "Damn, I haven't finished the paper I'm working on. Damn, I still have some reports to review. Damn, my startup needs me. Damn, I still need to prepare for the webinar next week." I am more worried about my work than myself.

After the 6-hours hell of staying alive, I was left alone on the hospital bed with my battery at 0%. For the 1st time in my life, I had no option to distract myself. It's just me and myself talking to each other about what's next.

I had a mental breakdown several times this year alone. The lockdown, the thesis defence, the fight, the failure, and all the anxiety-inducing events that have been attacking me since last year. It makes my consumption of addictive substances such as nicotine and caffeine increase almost three-fold. I drank 6 cups of coffee a day, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes, and virtually no sleep throughout the weekday. I try to break the chain by dedicating my weekend for physical healing by paying my sleep toll and doing some light exercise. But yeah, it's not enough.

I go to the psychiatrist for my mental health, and for privacy reasons, I can't share it with you here. But basically, I have some conditions that I need to work with. And the unhealthy lifestyle didn't help me either. As a stubborn person who has an acute procrastination mentality (probably ADHD, but I haven't fully diagnosed yet), I always said, "Yes, I'll do it tomorrow."

The bedridden me kind of get angry with myself. There is no damn tomorrow if you don't do it today, Ry. Yes, I know you have a lot to take care of and many things you want to achieve. But there is no tomorrow. You need to act now. I need to act now.

We suffered a lot. You, me, she, he, they, we are suffering. The non-perfect healthcare system, the stigma from the society, the hustle culture, the toxic masculinity behaviour, the economic situation, the bad regulation, and many more reasons prevent us from taking care of our well-being, physically and mentally. And we need to act for it, now.

I started by saying no. No to cigarettes. No to alcoholic drinks. No to junk food. No to overwork. No to a social event that taking my sleep-hours. No to toxic relationships. Then I proceed with saying yes. Yes to a healthy and balanced diet. Yes to 20-minutes exercise. Yes to 8-hours of sleep. Yes to talk to friends about my mental problem. And I can feel my life changing.

The last 42 days have been me fixing myself physically and mentally. This No-Shave November activity is my milestone of taking care of myself. This will not be the last. And I hope I can still be helpful to society. But first, I need to take care of myself. There would be no tomorrow if I died today.
I hope you can also help yourself. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Care for yourself. And be as good as you can be.

With love and care,
Arya Ramadhan 

Indonesia based helpline:
Layanan Berhenti Merokok: 0800 177 6565
LISA Suicide Prevention: 0811 3855 472
Layanan Konseling SEJIWA: 119 extension 8

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