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There's More to Life than Being Happy

 I woke up with a headache this morning. Not from the lack of sleep that has been haunting me for the last few months. Nor it is from the soon-to-be-expired bread I ate last night. But rather from the thought that I've lost a lot of things lately. I'm not sad. Indifferent, in fact. I am used to people leaving me for how shitty I am to them. Yeah.... life happened, I guess.

I'm not gonna rant about them, actually. It's already in the past; I barely remember what happened and why it happened. But this morning, my lucid dreams got more vivid than usual. I can see clearly the tears running down my cheeks. I still remember the fake sausage I ate in my dream with one of my friends that I really love. I walk past this long hall full of pictures of me with someone I shared my past with. As I fell deeper into the endless sorrow of past life, I saw her again, my kryptonite. I know it sounds cheesy, but nothing describes it better. For I love her with all of my heart and soul, seeping inside my bone and blood, chanting perfectly with the rhythm of my breath. And it sucks.

I try to love someone; I really do. I lied so hard to myself that I love someone with the same initials as her. I almost believe myself until my friend said that he loves the girl also. Then I choose to back off from it. I don't deserve someone when I still fell in love with her. I didn't deserve to be happy, to be precise.

I've been running scenarios in my head for the past few nights I almost kill myself with head pressure. One minute past in real-time feels like one day in my head. I was thrown to 2024 before I knew it. It feels so hard to breathe. All of the sadness. All of the possibilities. The dreadful feelings fulfil my heart with hatred, sadness, stress, and emptiness. I loath myself, or the 408 versions of me, I guess. And I still didn't find the answer of should or shouldn't.

I love the girl, or so I thought. I love her smile, I love her edgy jokes, I love her savage comments on anything, I love her response to my strange question. Yet... I guess I'm still projecting my kryptonite on her. I want to feel. I fell just to feel. I think I lost my heart somewhere in the background. I keep hearing voices in my sleep. The dark figure occasionally slaps me back to reality. One thing for sure, I know my love is fake to the girl, for I still love my kryptonite to the core of my shadows. 

It is unfair. I already said that I only wait for 7 days for her answer, yet I'm still waiting despite the 7-weeks silence. I think I'm gonna kept my end of the bargain, that I'll wait until I finished my PhD. Or I'm just desperate. My trauma is not an excuse. I killed my heart countless times, but it prevails. I punch myself, or my projection of me in my head, in the guts. But he kept laughing and saying, "You know that I'm a fighter, right?"

It is total silence. I don't even know how to answer myself. Why am I this stubborn? 

I'm just tired, I guess. You know? The kind of mental breakdown when you has arrived at the peak of the mountain. Through storms, I have been pushing myself to death with an empty stomach, barefoot, almost caught hypothermia, and stung by thousands of mosquitos. But I think it will be worth it once I become the one under the sun. Little did I know, being alone on top of the world is devastating. It's like a tree without a root. It's just a matter of time before my collapse.

And I'm just feeling sick of asking the same question over and over again. When will I take my break? Just stop.... please... I beg you... Just sit down, relax, and take a deep breath. You've been doing so well. I know how many hardships you have overcome, all the troubles, the pain, all you have gone through to build up everything we have this very day. Don't you ever forget that at least you ain't dead yet? I know your limit. You know your limit. Can we just enjoy the moment for a bit?

I started journaling. I always write about my sleepless night. I kept the details of the darkness of my head that's been creeping out every time I fail to sleep. The more writings I've done, the least scary it seems. The idea of sleeping forever sounds pretty good, but the dreadful feeling it's addicting. And I still wish I can be a little bit normal. Having a normal dream, talking a normal conversation, pursuing a normal life, just be normal. But here I am, with a lot of baggage, looking for someone I don't know who.

As Alex Turner said in Stuck on a Puzzle lyrics, "I tried to swim to the side, but my feet got caught in the middle, and I thought I'd seen the light but oh no... I was just stuck on the puzzle."

Yes, I'm stuck on a puzzle called you. The mysteries waiting to be unsolved. As I always said to you back then, I guess now God is as confused as I am now that my life's a divine comedy. Whether I will find the answer, that I don't know. But one thing for sure, one lie at a time will keep me sane. So... just stay awake. We will get through this, I promise.

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