So, here I am again fighting with constant conversation in my head about what is the meaning of life?
Not philosophically, but more like questioning myself. Do I really still needed as a person? What is the meaning of me being alive? And is there a person out there who cared whether I'm alive or not? Because the last time I check, no one seems to care enough. Yes, they asked about how's life recently, when will I get married, when will I graduated, what is my plan for the next few years, and et cetera. But, it's just for the sake of keeping up with the competition. It's like "Well, he already achieved that, so I must be better." type of conversation. It will always end up with they showing off what they have done in life.
I don't really care about the tangible things, to be honest. I don't like the talk about how much money you produced in a month. I don't even care about your plan to get married before you turned 25. I don't really want to know how you will get your own house. I mean, it's not like I'm an apathetic person. It's your own choice, your own life, I don't really need to know every detail of it. I'm glad you have your own plan and milestones you've set. I'm envious, to be honest. Because everybody got their own plan. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in here trying to solve the puzzle in my mind for what the fuck has happened in my whole life.
And once again, I don't care about the tangible things. Chaining yourselves onto materialistic ideals seems boring for me. Everybody can work their ass that hard to have a 100 million salary. Everybody can achieve cum laude title if they want to. It's like everybody has their own potential to be unveiled and to be used on their own accord. So what's cool for you may not be cool for someone else. Like going to the concert for example. You think by going to the music festival for 7 days straight is something cool. But for someone out there, it's a waste of money. While you may think buying organic products is a scam, somebody else may think that buying organic products is their fight for a better consumer-centered market. So, everybody has their own point of view which not everybody can understand, moreover comprehend.
Back to my problem. For the past few days (few weeks to be honest), my productivity level is at the lowest point. I'm procrastinating on lots and lots of work which makes me stressed out because of it. I don't know why and how to fix it. All I know is I'm tired and saturated with lots of things.
I need to restart.
Have you ever fighting for something so hard because you think that it's worth it?
Once in a while, we'll find ourselves in the situation where we need to sacrifice something to obtain something else. Such as sacrificing your sleep for studying, or sacrificing your "me time" for your partner. But some of us, if not all, are constantly trading parts of their life to get something essentials for their life.
People in Africa need to walk as far as 6 kilometers to get fresh and clean water for their daily life. It's a single trip. So... the round trip would be 12 kilometers in total. Every single day. With the density of water is around 1g/ml at room temperature, with the estimation that every single human use need 3,7 liters per day for drinking, and with the average family member in Sub-Saharan Africa is 7 person, then every person needs to lift a 26-kilograms-weight for each trip, just for drinking only. What about cooking? Washing? Self-hygiene? Meanwhile, we use about 13.6 liters of water for each toilet flush.
But let's talk about the simplest form of sacrifice. For each movement you do every single day, you gonna need to give some energy. You gave up the calories you've gained from the food you've eaten, for your own sake. Well, not only for movement but also for breathing, thinking, blood pumping, digesting, producing saliva, and etc you do subconsciously. So, we are so familiar with the concept of sacrificing.
But what if you are told to sacrifice EVERYTHING you have for one thing in particular? Will you able to do it? Will you do it? Will you want to do it? The answer may vary.
Me? I don't know. Once I almost sold my life for something. Once, I almost drop my education for something. Once, I spent my entire life saving for something. So, for several occasions, I sacrificed everything I had. And here I am standing right now.
Crying alone.
This blog post has no other meaning except to send a distress signal to someone out there. I'm dying mentally.
Yesterday, one of my senior died because of cancer. And somehow it hits me harder than I thought. Suddenly I remember that sleepless night when my late grandma died. The fatigue, the thoughts, the scream, all of it rushing into my mind like a flood. I started to feel it physically. And nothing I can do except looking at the wall and hoping the blood rush will stop eventually.
Today, I can't stop smoking and drinking coffee.
Sigh.....
One of my friends got a bladder transplantation operation recently. The father of my close friend died because of unknown reason. My late grandpa's sister somehow reached me and gave me the talk about her regrets and her memory of my grandparents. It's like the negativity is in the air and I can't stop it to affect me. I can feel a huge lump of sadness in my chest waiting to burst out into tears. I need to talk about it to ease myself.
But I don't know how.
Writing doesn't help me recently. It's like talking to a wall. I don't get any respond or feedback. I don't get the attention I wanted. I feel exhausted and empty.
Please don't tell me to do prayer, because I already did. I cried to God about it. And... I think, God's working on it. I just need to talk to someone who knows me inside out so I can feel I'm cared for.
I've gone to the psychiatrist a few weeks ago to check my mental health. The result said that I'm healthy, but I have this trust issue problem towards people. It says that I have the prejudice towards people. And it's right, I always think someone always has ulterior motives behind their action. No one does something just because it is good or it is bad. They always look for an opportunity to benefit themselves.
It's kind of complicated since it cames from my trauma. I trusted lots of people, and they let me down countless times. So yeah, there goes my trust towards people.
And It's hard to trust someone new. So I'm stuck with just 4 people who I can trust. And it's hard. Because every time I tried to do something, I will overthink about what harms can be done to me by others on every occasion.
Sigh...
I need to let go of the past. But it's the hardest part of life, letting go.
I still can't let go of several things.
Will I let it go eventually? I don't know either.
All I know is, I need to rest right now and catch my breath on the next day. And I'm just hoping everything will be fine by the time I wake up tomorrow morning.
Or maybe I just need a friendly chat from you. I don't know.
So, if you get my distress signal, please answer.
Because I started to feel like an astronaut sending S.O.S from the spaceship into the endless void abyss.
Once in a while, we'll find ourselves in the situation where we need to sacrifice something to obtain something else. Such as sacrificing your sleep for studying, or sacrificing your "me time" for your partner. But some of us, if not all, are constantly trading parts of their life to get something essentials for their life.
People in Africa need to walk as far as 6 kilometers to get fresh and clean water for their daily life. It's a single trip. So... the round trip would be 12 kilometers in total. Every single day. With the density of water is around 1g/ml at room temperature, with the estimation that every single human use need 3,7 liters per day for drinking, and with the average family member in Sub-Saharan Africa is 7 person, then every person needs to lift a 26-kilograms-weight for each trip, just for drinking only. What about cooking? Washing? Self-hygiene? Meanwhile, we use about 13.6 liters of water for each toilet flush.
But let's talk about the simplest form of sacrifice. For each movement you do every single day, you gonna need to give some energy. You gave up the calories you've gained from the food you've eaten, for your own sake. Well, not only for movement but also for breathing, thinking, blood pumping, digesting, producing saliva, and etc you do subconsciously. So, we are so familiar with the concept of sacrificing.
But what if you are told to sacrifice EVERYTHING you have for one thing in particular? Will you able to do it? Will you do it? Will you want to do it? The answer may vary.
Me? I don't know. Once I almost sold my life for something. Once, I almost drop my education for something. Once, I spent my entire life saving for something. So, for several occasions, I sacrificed everything I had. And here I am standing right now.
Crying alone.
This blog post has no other meaning except to send a distress signal to someone out there. I'm dying mentally.
Yesterday, one of my senior died because of cancer. And somehow it hits me harder than I thought. Suddenly I remember that sleepless night when my late grandma died. The fatigue, the thoughts, the scream, all of it rushing into my mind like a flood. I started to feel it physically. And nothing I can do except looking at the wall and hoping the blood rush will stop eventually.
Today, I can't stop smoking and drinking coffee.
Sigh.....
One of my friends got a bladder transplantation operation recently. The father of my close friend died because of unknown reason. My late grandpa's sister somehow reached me and gave me the talk about her regrets and her memory of my grandparents. It's like the negativity is in the air and I can't stop it to affect me. I can feel a huge lump of sadness in my chest waiting to burst out into tears. I need to talk about it to ease myself.
But I don't know how.
Writing doesn't help me recently. It's like talking to a wall. I don't get any respond or feedback. I don't get the attention I wanted. I feel exhausted and empty.
Please don't tell me to do prayer, because I already did. I cried to God about it. And... I think, God's working on it. I just need to talk to someone who knows me inside out so I can feel I'm cared for.
I've gone to the psychiatrist a few weeks ago to check my mental health. The result said that I'm healthy, but I have this trust issue problem towards people. It says that I have the prejudice towards people. And it's right, I always think someone always has ulterior motives behind their action. No one does something just because it is good or it is bad. They always look for an opportunity to benefit themselves.
It's kind of complicated since it cames from my trauma. I trusted lots of people, and they let me down countless times. So yeah, there goes my trust towards people.
And It's hard to trust someone new. So I'm stuck with just 4 people who I can trust. And it's hard. Because every time I tried to do something, I will overthink about what harms can be done to me by others on every occasion.
Sigh...
I need to let go of the past. But it's the hardest part of life, letting go.
I still can't let go of several things.
Will I let it go eventually? I don't know either.
All I know is, I need to rest right now and catch my breath on the next day. And I'm just hoping everything will be fine by the time I wake up tomorrow morning.
Or maybe I just need a friendly chat from you. I don't know.
So, if you get my distress signal, please answer.
Because I started to feel like an astronaut sending S.O.S from the spaceship into the endless void abyss.
...---.../...---.../...---...
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